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Getting your toddler to listen

Learn some simple strategies that will teach your toddler the skills they need to a become good listener.

father holding a toddler in his arms
Photo credit: iStock.com / JodiJacobson

Toddlers' prefrontal cortex is still developing, so skills such as impulse control and logical reasoning aren't developed yet. This is the main cause of frustration for parents who complain that their toddler is "not listening." They often listen just fine. They know the rule. But they can't follow through consistently because they don't have control over their behavior yet. 

Most experts now agree that timeouts are not effective and counter to healthy development, especially for toddlers. Don't punish your toddler for behavior that's beyond their control due to the stage of brain development.

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Here are some tips for communicating with your toddler:

Get on their level

As every parent realizes sooner or later, bellowing from a great height (much less from the other room) rarely has the desired effect. Squat down or pick up your child, so you can look them in the eye and get their attention.

Eye contact is important and works best when you're face to face with your child. They'll listen more closely if you sit down next to them at the breakfast table when reminding them to eat their cereal, or perch on their bed at night when telling them you're about to turn out the light.

Be clear

State your message clearly, simply, and with quiet authority. Your child will zone out if you harp on a topic too long. It's hard to find the point of a wordy message such as "It's really cold outside, and you've been sick lately, so I want you to put on your sweater before we go to the store."

On the other hand, "It's time to get your sweater" is unmistakable. And don't phrase something as a question if your child doesn't actually have a choice. "It's time to climb into your car seat" has a lot more impact than "Come climb into your car seat, okay, sweetie?"

It's good to give toddlers choices, but be sure you're okay with all the options you offer – and stick with only two. By allowing your toddler to make limited choices, they'll feel empowered (and you'll be satisfied with the result).

Follow through

Make it clear that you mean what you say, and don't make threats – or promises – you won't keep. If you tell your 2-year-old, "You need to drink some water at dinnertime," don't waffle five minutes later and let them have juice instead. 

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Make sure your partner shares your rules and respects them as well, so that neither of you undermines the other. And if there's a disagreement, talk it through so you're both clear about what needs to be said or done when the issue comes up again (as it surely will).

And don't fall into the trap of repeating less urgent instructions, like "Set your cup on the table," over and over again before expecting your child to comply. Gently guide your child's hand to place the cup on the table, so they know exactly what you want them to do.

Reinforce your message

It often helps to follow up your verbal statement with other kinds of messages, especially if you're trying to pull your child away from an absorbing activity. Say, "Time for bed!" and then give a visual cue (flicking the light switch on and off), a physical cue (laying a hand on their shoulder to gently pull their attention away from their toy and toward you), and a demonstration (steering them toward their bed, pulling down the covers, and patting the pillow).

It's also important for your child to know when something is especially dangerous and for you to demonstrate how to approach it safely. For example, when your child crosses the street, be sure to always hold their hand. That way, they'll associate the danger of cars with being careful.  

Give warnings

Give your child some advance notice before a big change will take place, especially if they're happily involved with toys or a friend. Before it's time to go inside after playing, say, "We're going to leave in a few minutes. When I call you, it's time to come out of the sandbox and wash your hands."

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Be instructive – and make it fun

Give realistic tasks, like "Let's put the yellow blocks away." Then you can make it into play: "Good, now let's put the blue blocks away."

Yelling orders may produce results, but no one will enjoy the process. Most children respond best when you treat them with confident good humor. Try using a silly voice or a song to deliver your message – you might sing "Now it's time to brush your teeth" to the tune of "London Bridge," for example.

Make sure the benefits of listening make sense to your child. ("Brush your teeth and then you can pick out your favorite PJs" instead of "You have to brush your teeth or you'll get cavities" or "Brush your teeth NOW!") Praise them when they finish brushing with "Good listening!"

The good humor, affection, and trust you demonstrate to your child when speaking to them this way will make them want to listen to you because they'll know that you love them and think they're special.

Model good behavior

Children will be better listeners if they see that you're a good listener, too. Make it a habit to listen to your child as respectfully as you would to any adult. Look at them when they talk to you, respond politely, and let them finish without interrupting whenever possible.

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While it may seem like a tall order when you're cooking dinner and your toddler is being especially chatty, try not to walk away or turn your back while they're talking. As with so many other behaviors, the old "Do as I say, not as I do" has no value when teaching your children to listen.

Catch your child being good

How often do you talk to your child about what they're doing wrong? Would you want to listen to someone – like your boss, for example – who only gave you negative feedback?

Your child is more likely to listen to you if you notice when they're behaving well and comment on it. "You put your dolls away the first time I asked. Good job!" or "You were very gentle with the puppy. I'm proud of you!" Make sure to give your toddler plenty of positive reinforcement and be specific about what you're praising them for, and they'll be less likely to tune you out when you need to steer them back on course.

Resources

Some books give sound advice about getting your child to listen. Try How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; Discipline Without Spanking or Shouting, by Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara Unell; and Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

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AAP. 2018. What's the Best Way to Discipline My Child? American Academy of Pediatrics. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspxOpens a new window [Accessed September 2023]

Nemours Foundation. 2023. Disciplining Your Toddler. http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/toddler-tantrums.htmlOpens a new window [Accessed September 2023]

Zero to Three. 2016. Toddlers and Challenging Behavior: Why They Do It and How to Respond. https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/326-toddlers-and-challenging-behavior-why-they-do-it-and-how-to-respondOpens a new window [Accessed September 2023]

Faber A, et al. 2012. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York, NY: Scribner.

Kurcinka MS. 2006. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, and Energetic. Revised edition. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Wyckoff JL, et al. 2002. Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking: Practical Solutions to the Most Common Preschool Behavioral Problems. Minnetonka, MN: Meadowbrook Press.

Nancy Montgomery
Nancy Montgomery is a health and wellness writer and editor. She lives with her husband in Berkeley, California, and has an adult daughter. She especially enjoys working on safety-related content, and organizing and presenting important information in a way that's easily accessible to parents.
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