Because of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, more parents than ever before are likely to be doing some type of homeschooling in the coming school year — whether it’s full-time, part-time, or please-let-it-be-none-of-the-time. From Off-Gridders to Pod People and beyond, these are some of the types of homeschooling parents you might encounter during your next back-to-school Zoom meeting.
The Skeptic
The skeptic isn’t really sure if this whole homeschooling thing is going to work out, quite frankly, and is fully prepared for his child to repeat the 3rd grade. Maybe twice.
The Optimist
Maybe we won’t need to homeschool the kids after all. School could still happen in person this year, right?! Right?!!!!!!
The Over-Preparer
She bought thirteen different guides to homeschooling and has attended five webinars on the topic. She signed up for three different online enrichment programs for the children. She already posted color-coded schedules for each family member on the refrigerator, which is filled with healthy snacks in appealing shapes, stored in portion-controlled amounts in BPA-free containers.
The Platituder
It is what it is. What can you do? Just take it one day at a time. Take a deep breath. Count your blessings. At least you have your health. One day, this will all be a memory. Look on the bright side. There’s a silver lining to all this.
The Hypocrite
He’s shared four different articles about how it’s perfectly safe for kids to return to school but was the first one to pull his kids out of the school system. He says he’s opposed to the inequalities in wealth that affect the school system but he hired a private tutor for his children. He has a full-time nanny but loves to talk about how he does his fair share of the housework and child care. Sure you do, bud. Sure you do.
The Throwback
This Gen X parent remembers growing up in the ‘80s where kids were left to fend for themselves. She’s giving the children a stack of books and leaving it up to them to self-direct. She considers children wandering around outside by themselves to be educational. The children drink Kool-Aid — the kind with real sugar in it — and eat white bread and Marshmallow Fluff. As far as school goes, as long as they try their best, it’s fine! They’ll turn out fine! She turned okay, didn’t she?!
The Off-Gridders
These parents live in a quaint, rural town and have already been homeschooling their five children (birthed at home) for years. They also drink raw milk, make homemade jam, and sew all the children’s clothes. They own a lot of mason jars, are #blessed, and have at least four pets, plus chickens. They suggest homeopathic remedies and essential oils for everything, and their curriculum may or may not align exactly with the public school system’s and science and established facts in general.
The Singleton
The Singleton is a single parent who has no idea how she will homeschool her children and keep her job. She thinks about how one day her children will appreciate all the sacrifices she’s made as she cries into her third cup of coffee every morning at 6 AM.
The Entrepreneur
Somehow, this parent has turned homeschooling into a business opportunity. She’s selling special notebooks and kits that promise to make life so much easier for all the other first-time homeschooling parents out there. She has 75,000 Instagram followers and is a “momfluencer.” Every time she refers to herself that way you will feel the sudden urge to throw a special notebook at her head.
The Pod Person
The pod person is the parent who’s creating a “learning pod” along with four other families and hiring a private instructor to teach the children. At some point, there will be 10 children in this parent’s home at the exact same time as she is on a critically important conference call.
The Professional
The Professional used to be a teacher, and she knows her way around a curriculum. She was sick and tired of hearing people tell her that it “must be nice to have summers off.” She will receive multiple phone calls, texts, and emails from friends begging her for tips on how to motivate children and keep them engaged. She will somehow manage to keep her kids on task and focused. She is nothing short of a miracle worker.
The Zen Master
This parent isn’t worried at all. Everything will work out for the best, one way or another. Does she do a lot of yoga or does she have a prescription for medical marijuana or what?!
The Unschooler
She believes that children learn best by following their passions. However, it turns out her child’s passion consists of nothing but Minecraft. She tells herself that at least the child is learning good survival skills that way.
The Music Teacher
He thinks that the children’s education should consist of at least 25% Black Sabbath and 50% Led Zeppelin (even though the members of Zep were clearly terrible at spelling — they did all right for themselves, didn’t they?!). He likes to say “class is now in session” and then let loose with a guitar solo.
The Confused Waldorfer
This parent has confused the Waldorf method with a Waldorf salad. She mistakenly believes that children thrive on a combination of leafy greens, grapes, walnuts, apples, celery, and mayonnaise.
Make the awfulness that is back-to-school 2020 a little more fun with these super cool school supplies.
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