Gretchen Rubin is the bestselling author of several books, such as Outer Order, Inner Calm and The Happiness Project, about how to be happier, healthier, and more productive, and she hosts the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. For Oprah Daily, she’s weighing in on how we can all find a little bit of calm, even during a pandemic. This week, she answers a few reader questions.
Nothing about the past year has been easy for parents. In fact, according to a recent report by the American Psychological Association, nearly half of all parents surveyed said the level of stress in their life had increased compared to before the pandemic. Not to mention that parents were also more likely than those without children to have received treatment from a mental health professional since the coronavirus pandemic began.
So it should come as no surprise that when we asked readers about their biggest happiness challenge, many people reported that they were feeling overwhelmed and burned out by all-consuming parenting responsibilities. "Balancing my own wants and needs with those of my kids—particularly with no sleep and as a shift worker," one woman responded. Another wrote: "I want parenting to be mostly joy-filled with some hard spots, but the reality is the opposite of that." And another mom said, "Enjoying alllll the extra time with my kiddos (whom I love & adore) when I need me time!" One simply wrote: "Exhausted from parenting."
While the pandemic period may feel like it’s starting to draw to a close—especially as many schools and day care centers across the country have started to reopen at least part-time— the truth is that it’s not over yet. It’s not clear when the new normal will be under way, or what exactly that new normal will look like. Just this weekend, White House senior adviser Anita Dunn told CNN's Jake Tapper that it's still too early to say for certain whether schools could be fully reopened this fall. For many people, the uncertainty makes the situation that much tougher. “If I had a firm date, like everything will be up and running on September 1, I could pace myself,” a friend told me recently. “I’d know how much longer this situation would last. But the goalposts keep moving around, and that's even harder.”
So in the meantime, we need to find ways to make the present situation work for us. One way to deal with challenge of being an overwhelmed parent? Identify the problem. Now, I know what you're thinking: “I have identified the problem! My problem is that I’m an overwhelmed parent!”
But in fact, that’s a broad statement. Push yourself harder to try to answer the following question: What exactly is the problem here? Think about why you're feeling depleted and what makes parenting seem so hard. Of course, people will answer this question in many different ways, but some of the common responses include:
- I’m physically exhausted.
- I feel torn between my duties as a parent and my duties at work.
- My kids refuse to clean up their rooms, and I’m irritated by the mess, which I then have to clean up myself or nag them about.
While each of these problems is equally legitimate, they would be addressed in different ways.
- If you’re physically exhausted: Are you taking care of your body, to make sure that you have the energy you need? If you’re staying up until 1 a.m. to binge-watch the latest Netflix show, consider turning off the lights just thirty minutes earlier. Alternatively, if you have trouble falling asleep after hours spent "doomscrolling," try putting down your phone and instead picking up a good book.
- If you feel torn between your parental and work duties: It may help to make a list of your daily responsibilities in both spheres, then consider how you might be able to delegate some tasks, divide your day into block of time, re-schedule certain meetings, or recruit help. It’s easy to fall into the pattern of managing certain responsibilities without figuring out what schedule is most efficient. For instance, maybe you can ask that the weekly staff meeting be moved to 10:30 a.m. from 8:00 a.m., because you often need to help your kids get settled each morning.
- If you’re annoyed by your kids’ messy rooms: Can you just shut their bedroom doors and decide that you’re not going to tackle this parenting challenge right now? Sometimes it’s helpful mindfully to lower our standards!
Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to every source of parenting stress—but by identifying the problem, you can start to brainstorm possible solutions. For example, one mother recently told me she struggling during the stay-at-home period because her young children needed constant supervision. Her problem: “I can’t get any work done, because I need to keep an eye on my kids.”
Her solution: She asked her mother to do a daily storytime on Zoom, which would not only keep her kids entertained, but it would also mean that they were supervised. That way, she could concentrate on her work, knowing where they were and what they were doing. Plus, there's the added bonus of quality grandchild-grandparent time.
It’s hard to think of a specific solution to a vague problem—but once you can clearly articulate your problem, I promise it'll be easier to see a constructive path forward.
Gretchen Rubin is the bestselling author of several books, such as Outer Order, Inner Calm and _The Happiness Project, about how to be happier, healthier, and more productive; she’s also a CBS News Contributor. On her popular, award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, she discusses happiness and good habits with her sister Elizabeth Craft.
